Just For Fun

I don’t travel a ton, but last week I took two different trips, one to Columbus and one to San Diego. As many of you know better than I, the romance of the open road and the open skies quickly grows old.

And yet, no matter how many times I’m in and out of airports or hotel rooms, I hope I never get tired of noticing the world around me. We are all so strange and interesting, so often wonderful and not too infrequently annoying. There’s plenty to see in the world around us if you just open our eyes.

So what did I learn on my travels last week? Here are some random reflections.

1. If you read a 1000 page book on mission by Eckhard Schnabel and Robert Letham’s massive book on the Westminster Assembly the guy next to you is bound to ask “So, are you religious?” Which he did, and then we were able to have a wonderful conversation about church, canon, sin, and the gospel.

2. Engaged couples smile more than married couples with children. At different times I was by two engaged couples. They would hold hands, talk closely, make goo-goo eyes, and daydream about where they might go on their honeymoons. The engaged couples appeared to be walking on the clouds. On the other hand, the married couples with children (on a plane!) seemed as though they are about to kill someone–themselves, each other, or most likely one of the children. The engaged couples looked like they woke up that morning sleeping on rainbows, smelling roses, sipping sunshine, and eating bacon. The married with children couples carried a countenance as if the last unicorn just died with the last leprechaun riding on its back carrying the last bottle of happiness in the whole world. I’m hoping I look less like a frustrated parent the next time by brood takes to the skies.

3. Morgan Freeman looks like Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon likes to take his shirt off. I came to this scientific conclusion from seeing bits of Invictus on the plane. I didn’t even have to pay for the headphones to figure this out.

4. Most of television must be terribly dull. I flew to San Diego on Wednesday and arrived with too much time in the hotel room so I resorted to flipping through t.v. channels. At one point I saw a television show about television shows. This particular show was counting down the most surprising moments in television history. Number 3–the third most surprising moment ever–was Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing With the Stars. Wow, I haven’t been missing much.

5. If you are asked to choose between a room with two beds or one, it might be best to take the two. I was supposed to take the red eye back from San Diego on Thursday night. But after taxiing (yup, that’s how you spell it) on the runway for a bit, a computer blew up or something and we had to go back to the gate. Since it was later at night and apparently pilots have a curfew, the flight was postponed until 9:15 the next morning. So off I went looking for a hotel room at 12:30 in the morning. It took four tries before the van driver and I finally found a hotel with rooms available. When we did, I found myself at a Best Western that seemed more like a Far Below Average Western. I yelled several times to be heard over the blaring music and get someone’s attention in the back room. Eventually a lady came out and informed me that she has a few regular rooms available–$99, one bed or two. “There’s only one of me, so one bed will be fine.” She looked at me again, “We have a regular room, $99, one bed or two.” Again I told her that one bed would be great. A third time she asked if I wanted one bed or two and once more I told her one. She punched in the information, paused, and then looked up at me, “The one bed is kind of dirty. I’ll give you the two.” Like I said, not really the Best Western.

6. There are more Celtics fans in southern California than Slovenians. I was in the airport on Thursday night to watch the end of game 7 between Boston and L.A. Surprisingly, there was a large, vocal pro-Boston minority present. Not surprisingly, when I was in the airport again the next morning (see #5) and saw the end of the U.S World Cup match, there was nary a cheer for the Slovenians. Not even a “Boy, those Eastern Europeans play hard.” Just a lot “I can’t believe the ref stole this game from us.”

7. I need to expand my food horizons. Really I do. We had a nice dinner prepared for us on Thursday night at the conference. I was sitting next to Julius Kim from Westminster in Escondido. (What a great and funny guy.) First we got a salad and I said to Julius, “Do you want some of this? I don’t really care for salad?” He kindly ate a piece of shrimp off my plate. Then the main dish came. It looked like chicken at first glance, but turned out to be salmon. “I don’t really like fish. Do you want some?” Julius wisely advised that I cut it up and mess it around my plate. Then dessert came: a big thick piece of chocolate-and-nut decadence. “You won’t believe this Julius, but I really don’t like chocolate either.” He could only laugh in disbelief. I know, I have problems. It’s not you, it’s me.

8. The make-your-own-waffle machines at the continental breakfast seem like an OSHA nightmare waiting to happen, but the risks are so worth it. Now this is my kind of food. First you spray an iron cast griddle with some fake butter. Then you pour out a flimsy plastic cup filled waffle batter so thick it makes egg nog look a bit undernourished. Finally you close the lid and flip the thing over. Three minutes later you pry the waffle free, land it on a paper plate, and douse the thing with three or four syrup squares. If you’re lucky, there might even be powered sugar.

9. Automating everything in the airport bathroom is an example of technological innovation gone too far. I appreciate the huge treadmill belts that allow me to stand in a place and still make my connecting flight. I like the escalators that do all the hard work of moving my legs for me. But why put everything on auto-pilot in the bathroom? The toilet flushes if you so much as wiggle on the seat. By the time you walk away you’ve endured more splashing than in a typical pool party. And when you try to wash your hands you end up looking like a moron. The soap squirts out as soon as you pull your hand away, and the water comes out of the faucet only when your hands are 4 inches from the basin and at a 33 degree angle. Not three inches, not five. Not 34 degrees, not 32. Most people get a drip and a half of water before they give up. Which is just as well, because the automated paper towel dispenser requires you to wave like a Miss America contestant and the towels are usually empty anyway. And if you have to activate the hand dryer, the sucker will turn on with the force of a jet turbine, frightening small children to tears and pushing your skin off your hand until bone is practically exposed. The bathrooms would be easier to use if they had a hole in the ground, a bucket of water, and one giant towel.

10. I really appreciate it when people aren’t grumpy. While in Columbus a female police officer barked at me for walking on the wrong side of a cone. It was an honest mistake. She acted like I looked her square in the eye and punched her grandma. On the plane I was having a hard time closing the overhead bin. A bag was sticking out and I didn’t know if I could jam it in. The flight attendant told me to just close it. I asked “how hard do you want me to push?” She said, “Well, do you want to get to Detroit tonight or not?” So I slammed the thing shut as people chuckled at my expense. Why do people have to be rude? Probably for the same reason I’m rude. We like people to know when we’re upset. We like to show our righteous indignation. So I sighed loudly when my ride to the airport was late and I showed impatience during the whole one bed or two fiasco. It can literally make my day when strangers are kinder to me than they need to be (like the guy driving me from the airport to find a hotel). I wish I could say I was always the extra-kind guy instead of the extra-grumpy guy. But I’m afraid I’m not.

Like I said, there are plenty of interesting things going on around you if you just slow down and take a look.